Caregiver Self-Care – Selfish? Even During the Holidays?

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Is it selfish for a caregiver to practice self-care? It depends. (I bet you were not expecting that answer.)

If a caregiver is leaving a helpless loved one unattended or in an unsafe situation, the answer is yes.

If someone refuses to participate in the care for their aging parent or other loved one, the answer could be yes. In nearly all circumstances everyone can do something, whether it is financial, physical support, meals, researching options, or just visiting.

However, in the case of a person who is deeply involved in caregiving, what is the line between selfishness and self-care? This is especially important to consider with the busy holiday season upon us.

Real Life Situations

I was speaking to a group about caregiving, and one lady lamented, “My mom is so sick with cancer, I feel guilty when I do anything enjoyable.” Sad, but unfortunately many of us can relate to how she feels.

How to Self-Care

Guilt, exhaustion, and burnout often happen while caregiving. What can a caregiver do to address their own needs without being selfish? Let me share a few ideas.

Maintain your personal relationships. Do not let friendships get lost as you are caregiving. These relationships will sustain you and keep you positive.

Share your feelings. Expressing what you are going through can be cathartic. In a caregiving group you can find people who share your experiences and feelings. Expressing your feelings with family or friends can strengthen your bond with others and build empathy.

What activities bring you enjoyment? Reading, working in the garden, tinkering in your workshop, knitting, playing with the dogs, or watching the game? Many of these can include your loved one or give you time alone to disconnect. Find ways to pamper yourself.

Make yourself laugh. Laughter is an excellent antidote to stress—and a little goes a long way. Read a funny book, watch a comedy, or call a friend who makes you laugh. Find humor in everyday situations. As my dad aged and progressed with dementia, we would bring up old family stories, jokes, or antidotes, and we would all chuckle.

Get out of the house. Seek out friends, family, or respite care providers to step in with caregiving so you can have some time away from the living situation.

During the Holidays

Giving special consideration of a loved one’s needs over the holidays can also be a way for a caregiver to practice self-care.

My in-laws live 700 miles away. One year when we took the long drive over Thanksgiving especially to spend time with my mother-in-law. She lived in a nursing home, was doing well physically but had cognitive decline. My husband and brother-in-law picked her up and brought her to their home. Instead of being the fun gathering we imagined. Agitated, mom kept asking to go “home.” It made us all feel sad, and my husband and his brother took the trip back early to bring her back.

We learned to make different plans when my dad was in a nursing home. One December our family reserved a common room on Christmas Day. We knew Dad was nearing the end and we all wanted to be with him. Soon he became sleepy and choked on his food (which was common.) An aid offered to wheel him back down the hall to his room. We continued the gathering, sobered, but together. Not the perfect setting for a Christmas party, but a precious memory, as Dad passed away a month later.

Other Holiday Caregiving Hints

Keep in mind how your loved one may react to crowds, noise, and new people. Try setting aside a quiet space for them or assign someone to pay special attention to their needs. This is especially true for someone with dementia. Find ways to mitigate any problems ahead of time so all can enjoy.

If your loved one lives with you, this may not be the year to have a big gathering. Think of not only your care partner, but your own sanity as well.

There may be times you would like your loved one to be with the family, but it would not be good for them to be removed from their familiar environment. There may be safety considerations, toileting needs, and swallowing issues. They may be just as happy to stay put, and you can visit them another time.

Caregivers, think about how you can make a life a little easier for yourself, as well as those you care for. Keeping yourself healthy, physically, and emotionally, will make you a better caregiver. It is not selfish to leave a little time for your own needs.

Thank you. Visit my website, www.gracesmessage.com for more caregiving tips.

Nancy R Poland, Grace’s Message

With grace and hope, Nancy Poland provides written and spoken communication on caregiving, loss, and other valuable topics. She owns what she calls a “micro-business” named “Grace’s Message,” however she has many years of experience in the business world.

In December 2022, Nancy retired from NMDP (previously National Marrow Donor Program/Be The Match) after nearly 28 years of employment. She most recently worked as a Contracts and Compliance Manager and spent over 18 years in management as a people-leader. Nancy has a Bachelor of Arts in social work and a Master of Arts in Health and Human Services Administration. She has authored two books on caregiving, issues a quarterly newsletter, and offers both in-person and virtual presentations.

A life-long resident of the Twin Cities in Minnesota, Nancy and her husband John raised two sons and continue to contribute to their communities, travel, and work on solving British detective shows.

As a working caregiver, Nancy encountered dilemmas such as the following, with no good choices.

The phone rings, an ambulance is bringing her mom to the hospital (again). Does Nancy stay at work for the rest of the training session, or should she race to meet the ambulance and mom at the hospital?
Dad is in the care home, in the later stages of dementia. The only day they schedule monthly family conferences is Thursday, no later than 2:30. Should Nancy take a half day off work, leave work and come back, or dial in, and miss out on a face-to-face conversation.

Working caregivers struggle with job obligations, caring for their loved one, and often other family responsibilities. The one they are caring for may be a child with special needs, an aging relative, or an unexpectedly injured spouse. None of us know when we will be called upon to care for another, and trying to balance each facet of life can be a recipe for disaster. When a caregiver has a crisis, it affects not only the ones involved, but also the company.

Studies show caregivers often have increased absenteeism or reduced performance while at work. They often need to cut down work hours or quit. As this is especially true for caregivers of older adults with significant care needs, for this talk I will focus on ways companies and caregivers can partner together to address the ever-increasing needs of caregivers for our aging population.

Website: https://nancyrpoland.com